Sooner than I wanted...
Dear Jasmine,
As Serene approached her eighteenth birthday, I decided that I would begin writing a blog for her. I felt it would be a great way to share bits of wisdom I have picked up in life and to let her know I cared. I had planned to do the same for you and Jade as well, but life is unpredictable and I think that now is a better time to begin this journey with you.
I wanted to do this when you were about to turn eighteen. I wanted to give you something that hopefully helps you think and helps you understand me and how I feel about you better. While I wanted to wait until you were eighteen to begin this blog, circumstances have changed and I feel like this blog will be more useful to you now than it will be in a couple of years.
I don't really know where to start right now. I have so much I want to say to you, but I want to say it in the right way. You and I have had a lot of issues with communication over the years, and the last thing I want is for something I intend to be a way of connecting to cause us to grow further apart. There are times I feel like I can't say anything right to you and I am sure you feel the same way. I wish it was different, but the fact is that you and I are so similar that we clash because of it. We tend to react to things the same stressors in our life the same way. Neither of us handles criticism well, especially from people we love, and neither of us likes admitting we are wrong or admitting someone else is right.
While we have had our share of clashes, I don't want that to be what this blog is about and I would like to think that isn't what defines our relationship. I want this blog to be about me letting you see the real me. To see all my hopes for you and hopefully see how much I really do love you. I know at times you may not see how much I love you. I know at times it seems like the only thing I ever do is focus on what you did wrong and not on what you did right. I yell to often and I don't show you, my love, enough.
I think some of it is that sometimes I worry too much about you succeeding. I see so much of you in me and I see all the mistakes I made and I want to stop you from making them. I see a cold horrible world out there, and I want you to be prepared for it. I see how lonely you feel and I want to find some way to stop that pain. I want so bad to make you feel safe and to see you succeed that I don't focus enough on all the good things you do. I want to change that.
I have thought about you a lot since we left you with your Grandparents. I have thought about what I would want to make sure to say to you if I were to die. While I doubt I will die, the fact is if I get covid 19, I am at risk. I've had to confront and accept that fact, and while that scares me, what scares me, even more, is thinking that you may not know how much I love you.
That's why I am writing this blog Jasmine. I want you to know how much I love you. I won't promise I will write every day, but I am going to try and write in here often. I will share myself with you the best way I know how, with words on a page. I know it may be too little too late, but I hope that in some way it will show you that I do love you. I hope that this blog will bring us closer even while we are so far apart right now. I hope that I am writing this blog for years and years. Most of all I hope you feel like your father loves you.
I will write more later, for now I think that this is a good start.
Love,
Dad.
As Serene approached her eighteenth birthday, I decided that I would begin writing a blog for her. I felt it would be a great way to share bits of wisdom I have picked up in life and to let her know I cared. I had planned to do the same for you and Jade as well, but life is unpredictable and I think that now is a better time to begin this journey with you.
I wanted to do this when you were about to turn eighteen. I wanted to give you something that hopefully helps you think and helps you understand me and how I feel about you better. While I wanted to wait until you were eighteen to begin this blog, circumstances have changed and I feel like this blog will be more useful to you now than it will be in a couple of years.
I don't really know where to start right now. I have so much I want to say to you, but I want to say it in the right way. You and I have had a lot of issues with communication over the years, and the last thing I want is for something I intend to be a way of connecting to cause us to grow further apart. There are times I feel like I can't say anything right to you and I am sure you feel the same way. I wish it was different, but the fact is that you and I are so similar that we clash because of it. We tend to react to things the same stressors in our life the same way. Neither of us handles criticism well, especially from people we love, and neither of us likes admitting we are wrong or admitting someone else is right.
While we have had our share of clashes, I don't want that to be what this blog is about and I would like to think that isn't what defines our relationship. I want this blog to be about me letting you see the real me. To see all my hopes for you and hopefully see how much I really do love you. I know at times you may not see how much I love you. I know at times it seems like the only thing I ever do is focus on what you did wrong and not on what you did right. I yell to often and I don't show you, my love, enough.
I think some of it is that sometimes I worry too much about you succeeding. I see so much of you in me and I see all the mistakes I made and I want to stop you from making them. I see a cold horrible world out there, and I want you to be prepared for it. I see how lonely you feel and I want to find some way to stop that pain. I want so bad to make you feel safe and to see you succeed that I don't focus enough on all the good things you do. I want to change that.
I have thought about you a lot since we left you with your Grandparents. I have thought about what I would want to make sure to say to you if I were to die. While I doubt I will die, the fact is if I get covid 19, I am at risk. I've had to confront and accept that fact, and while that scares me, what scares me, even more, is thinking that you may not know how much I love you.
That's why I am writing this blog Jasmine. I want you to know how much I love you. I won't promise I will write every day, but I am going to try and write in here often. I will share myself with you the best way I know how, with words on a page. I know it may be too little too late, but I hope that in some way it will show you that I do love you. I hope that this blog will bring us closer even while we are so far apart right now. I hope that I am writing this blog for years and years. Most of all I hope you feel like your father loves you.
I will write more later, for now I think that this is a good start.
Love,
Dad.
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