I want you to know...
Dear Jasmine,
I know you are home and I could just spend some time talking with you, but sometimes neither of us is in the mood to communicate with the other. Part of what I want to achieve with this blog is having a way I can reach out to share my thoughts and feelings with you a bit. I do this because I want you to know I am thinking about you, and because, I hope, that you will use these writings as a reassurance of those feelings.
When I was growing up, I always felt like everything I did wasn't good enough. I remember how I always felt like I had screwed up in some way and how I would focus on that to the exclusion of everything else. It didn't matter how many compliments I got or how well I did, if I didn't do the best out of everyone or I heard a criticism, I felt like a failure. Over time I stopped caring because I felt like no matter what I did I wouldn't be any good, so why bother trying. Over more time that feeling only grew worse because as time went on, not trying led to worse results, and that made me feel even more like a failure. It was a cycle that I still am into this very day. I make occasional attempts to do something important, I meet with an obstacle, I decide it's too hard and that I won't succeed, and I give up. I hate that about myself, and I work to do better about it. I know you don't see it because in your mind I am an angry dad who is always yelling at you. I am an unhappy Dad who is always criticizing you, I am an uncaring Dad who doesn't want to give you what you want. I am a lazy Dad who doesn't go to your concerts. You have every right to feel that way about me, I have not been the best father to you, and while admitting my shortcomings is hard for me to do, you deserve to know I am aware of them.
However, being aware of my shortcomings does not mean you feel better about those things. I can't undo what I did. I can spend time trying to explain how all those things are only a small part of me, and how my love and pride for you dwarf all those other things I feel, you aren't inside my head and you can't see my thoughts. You only have my actions to judge, and if I could go back in time, I would be so much more careful with them. Unfortunately, I can't go back in time, I can only move forward and that's what I have been doing.
I know you may not see it, after all, you stay in your room, I stay in mine, we interact on occasion, but I have been working on myself to be a better me. Part of that being a better me is exploring my transgendered feelings. I can't begin to describe how difficult that process is or continues to be. I am virtually working through every bit of me to determine what parts of me are real and what parts of me aren't, but it's had some very positive results. I yell so much less often, I am generally cheerful when I talk to you, I enjoy hearing you sing in the shower, and I'm truly appreciating the wonderful person that my daughter is.
I want you to know that I do not think of you as a failure. That I do not think of you as second best, and that I will always love you no matter what. I want you to know that I am sorry for the many ways I failed you, and I am sorry for the pain I caused as well. When I stop and think of all the ways I could have done better, I feel a deep sense of remorse, but more importantly I feel an even stronger sense of motivation to be a better parent as I go forward. I do hope in time you can forgive me, I am not asking for forgiveness, that is something that can only be given, not demanded. However, I do hope you can forgive me because in the forgiveness you begin to heal, and I would like to know my daughter was able to heal and overcome my mistakes.
I love you Jasmine,
Dad.
I know you are home and I could just spend some time talking with you, but sometimes neither of us is in the mood to communicate with the other. Part of what I want to achieve with this blog is having a way I can reach out to share my thoughts and feelings with you a bit. I do this because I want you to know I am thinking about you, and because, I hope, that you will use these writings as a reassurance of those feelings.
When I was growing up, I always felt like everything I did wasn't good enough. I remember how I always felt like I had screwed up in some way and how I would focus on that to the exclusion of everything else. It didn't matter how many compliments I got or how well I did, if I didn't do the best out of everyone or I heard a criticism, I felt like a failure. Over time I stopped caring because I felt like no matter what I did I wouldn't be any good, so why bother trying. Over more time that feeling only grew worse because as time went on, not trying led to worse results, and that made me feel even more like a failure. It was a cycle that I still am into this very day. I make occasional attempts to do something important, I meet with an obstacle, I decide it's too hard and that I won't succeed, and I give up. I hate that about myself, and I work to do better about it. I know you don't see it because in your mind I am an angry dad who is always yelling at you. I am an unhappy Dad who is always criticizing you, I am an uncaring Dad who doesn't want to give you what you want. I am a lazy Dad who doesn't go to your concerts. You have every right to feel that way about me, I have not been the best father to you, and while admitting my shortcomings is hard for me to do, you deserve to know I am aware of them.
However, being aware of my shortcomings does not mean you feel better about those things. I can't undo what I did. I can spend time trying to explain how all those things are only a small part of me, and how my love and pride for you dwarf all those other things I feel, you aren't inside my head and you can't see my thoughts. You only have my actions to judge, and if I could go back in time, I would be so much more careful with them. Unfortunately, I can't go back in time, I can only move forward and that's what I have been doing.
I know you may not see it, after all, you stay in your room, I stay in mine, we interact on occasion, but I have been working on myself to be a better me. Part of that being a better me is exploring my transgendered feelings. I can't begin to describe how difficult that process is or continues to be. I am virtually working through every bit of me to determine what parts of me are real and what parts of me aren't, but it's had some very positive results. I yell so much less often, I am generally cheerful when I talk to you, I enjoy hearing you sing in the shower, and I'm truly appreciating the wonderful person that my daughter is.
I want you to know that I do not think of you as a failure. That I do not think of you as second best, and that I will always love you no matter what. I want you to know that I am sorry for the many ways I failed you, and I am sorry for the pain I caused as well. When I stop and think of all the ways I could have done better, I feel a deep sense of remorse, but more importantly I feel an even stronger sense of motivation to be a better parent as I go forward. I do hope in time you can forgive me, I am not asking for forgiveness, that is something that can only be given, not demanded. However, I do hope you can forgive me because in the forgiveness you begin to heal, and I would like to know my daughter was able to heal and overcome my mistakes.
I love you Jasmine,
Dad.
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